When In Doubt, Eat Bread And Play Dead
by RaxCreia
Summary: Because breaking some news to Gin-chan and Megane can be frustrating, annoying and well, just read if you wanna know. Rated T because this is a GINTAMA fanfiction *** OkiKagu
1. Chapter 1

At first, Gintoki was indescribably angry.

Kagura was eighteen when she came with her sadistic boyfriend and boldly announced that she was currently a human incubator.

Confused beyond belief, Shinpachi and Gintoki asked what the hell that had meant.

"What she wants to say danna, is that, she's pregnant with my brat."

Silence loomed the room. The air was constricting. Gintoki thought there might have been something wrong with his brain to be having a hallucination in broad day light. Maybe he was still in dream land where he's currently having a horrible nightmare.

"I think there's something wrong my ears Gin-san. What did Okita-san say just now? Someone's brat was pregnant in the incubator?"

"Oi, stop being stupid megane. What are you twisting sadist and my words for? I said I'm a human incubator. I'm prenant. I'll be a ballon in a few months. I'll be a mothe-"

"STOP! NO! That can't be right!" Gintoki shouted with his eyes bulging. "You're still a child that needs to be spoon fed every morning, lunch and dinner! You're a clueless kid that eats her own booger! Tell me you're joking. Come on, I'll give you 300  
/yen. I'll give you all the damn sukonbo in this entire town!" Gintoki firmly grabbed Kagura's shoulders, his eyes wide and red, and his sweat dripping down his forehead.

Without missing a beat, Sougo drew his sword and hovered it just above Gintoki's arms.

"Danna, could you please stop shaking china. I'd hate to cut off your arm if something happens to my brat you know."

Pause.

Faster than anyone could see, Gintoki charged at Sougo, his hands on the brown-haired shinsengumi officer's collar, pushing him to the wall, making a scary face and glaring at him.

"You little shit! What're you doing getting your rod anywhere near out Kagura's little cavern huh? She's an alien that could crush your little rod into tiny little pieces! Ever think about how she'd bend you when your stick goes into-"

Gintoki was sent flying to his table.

"How bout I bend you to knots until you become a human pretzel Gin-chan."

On the corner of the room, Shjnpachi watched on like a statue. His glasses cracked, his skin pale as snow. If you add in seven small little people, paint his lips red and glued a pigtail or two on his head, he'd be called Snow White with him being a damsel  
/and in distress.

In his mind, a pen and a pineapple swirled violently with the pen doing outrageous things to the pineapple. Shinpachi's already blood-shot eyes bled red.

Kagura became an adult before him.

He coughed up blood and passed out right then and there, looking like he was sniped in the head.

OoOoOoOoOoOoO

Just wrote this a while ago. Seriously, I want to know what happensif something like this happens.

By the way, before anyone asks, I was completely bullshitting the title. I don't know what it means either.

I hope this was at least an entertaining read.


	2. Chapter 2

Gintoki didn't know what the hell was happening in the world. He was sure he was having a hellish nightmare. A nightmare that'll surely kill him in a form of a bald alien daddy who dumped his daughter to a cool, handsome, straight-haired samurai, namely, him, Sakata Gintoki.

Ha.

Haha.

Hahahahahaha.

That's right.

This is all probably just a horrible dream, caused by all the cake he ate the other day. He knew he should have shared at least a slice to each of the brats he was forced to take care of. The god of dreams was probably just punishing him for not sharing.

He'll probably wake up any moment now. That snot-nosed brat was probably still snoring with her stomach exposed to the air again. She'll be kicking him awake when she wakes up hungry.

...

...

He looked at the two main actors of his nightmare, sitting comfortably in front of him, drinking water silently while Patsuan, who got dumped in the corner of the room, was still passed out.

"So... how did this happen?" He tried not to come off uncomfortable.

"Eh, Danna, weren't you the one who told me about the birds and the bees? Y'know, how my rod has to get insi-"

An umbrella smacked him in the face.

"Gin-chan, I'm so disappointed. I didn't think you, my beloved father-figure who never once, ever gave me an allowance was still a pitiful little virgin." Kagura held her finger to her eye, faking tears.

"Who're you calling a virgin you little brat! I'll have you know that Gin-san is a popular Casanova that gets women to drop their panties when they look at his glory!"

"Yeah right, the only thing dropping when women see your permy hair is p*ke."

At hearing the word 'Perm', Gintoki immediately became depressed.

"Just you wait, you'll regret this when my hair evolves and get as straight as my manly orientation." He muttered quietly.

"You can't say that Gin-chan. What if HijiGin fans read this, they'll throw a tantrum and try to kill Sorachi Gorilla-wannabe who wrote this crappy fic." Kagura deadpanned.

"Well, Hiji-baka would probably commit seppuku before dating this perm head anyways." Sougo added, mirroring Kagura's expression.

"SHUTUP! Just leave my permy head alone! It gets droopy and more permy when it's sad ok?" Gintoki shouted, harrumping, carressing his hair on both sides and turning his head away from the sadistic couple.

"Ui Megane, stop playing dead before I stomp on your b*lls"

Shinpachi's head immediately perked up and looked at them before again, laying his head on the floor with a bitter look on his face.

"Just leave me alone. I'm going to be a cherry until I die. I don't know if that damn Gorilla's on his trolling spree but I'm still a cherry two years after the time-skip in canon. Just let me die already - urghhk!"

Kagura kicked the glasses, flying and landing on the table in front of Sougo and Gintoki, leaving the empty body collapsed on the floor.

"Just leave that useless body that can't procreate anyway and just live like a furniture then."

While the younger ones chatted nicely, Gintoki couldn't help but picture a bald daddy in his mind. Eyes shining red, furious expression and ready to kill him. He felt cold dread and decided he had to try to save his baby-smooth skin.

"U-umm, ano, maybe we should keep this a surprise." All looked at him. "I mean this is a very ba - good news! Imagine people getting surprised and giving you free stuff when they finally know you're going to be having an abomina - I mean, a blessing!." Gintoki tried his hardest to sound excited and happy.

Kagura's eyes shone at the mention of 'free stuff'.

Sougo remained quiet.

"Let's do that! Will people really give me stuff Gin-chan?" Kagura asked excitedly, jumping up and down like she didn't have two bouncy thingies hanging from her chest, going 'boing' 'boing'.

"Ah hahaha. Of course they will! The old hag from downstairs might even give you a year's supply of sukunbo!." Gintoki lied, hoping to convince the brat.

Kagura's eyes shone even brighter. She crossed her arms and nodded to herself, looking like she decided already.

"Ok." Kagura turned to Sougo. "Let's not say anything until the baby's born."

Sougo looked at her seriously, then nodded.

"Okay. Let's do that." He didn't say that three to five months later, she'd be showing and people will obviously know by then.

Kagura and Sougo were heading out, Gintoki following them while Shinpachi, in his original form (Glasses form) remained silent on the table, indeed looking like decoration.

Just before Sougo followed Kagura out, he faced Gintoki.

"I know you're delaying the inevitable Danna." He paused as he looked at Gintoki in the eye. "He'll know." Sougo showed Gintoki his sadistic smile, chilling Gintoki to the bone, before Sougo blinked and showed his most innocent face.

"Bye, Danna." He bid farewell, smiling ever so softly.

* * *

NOT EDITED.

Ehm, uh, all I can say is that this is two times longer than the previous chapter *sweats*.

Thank you for reading, reviewing, and for the faves and follows!

I'd really love to know what y'all think. Review?

To **Juni Inigiri,** I also think there'd be a murder, but y'know, I can't just kill these characters, people would hate me XD

Also, sorry, I can't write the Shinsengumi's side since the plot (uh, this is a plot right?) turned out this way.

To **heartsXkisses** Thank you! I was hoping they were in character cause when I wrote these chapters, I imagine every character saying things and doing things that I write. Somehow, like a miracle, they fit. I hope I didn't disappoint with this chapter *sweats*

To **OtakuWhatever,** It's a pretty common and obvious reference but when I imagined it in my head, I could see Shipachi thinking it, like, I thought it would be sooo him to think that kinda thing lol. I hope you still read this chap and found it good :D

To **Akely,** It was seriously short so thanks for saying that! And I totally love any story involving the two stubborn idiots, including yours! (*insert heart eyes and drool-ly smile*) I can't believe you read and reviewed in my story! You're like, one of the major contributors of OkiKagu stories and I absolutely love them. Thank you for reviewing (I worship you! *bow*)

And yes, Gin-chan is pretty much sweating buckets at the thought of Kagura's papi finding out. I mean, he's furious about what happened but his fear is overcoming it lol.

To **SugarRiene** , I agree, Shinpachi collapsing by himself is hilarious. I can totally imagine him doing that to himself (because he's an idiot and a cherry for life!). I just love messing around with him. It's ironic cuz he's so plain, but it's the exact reason that I want and like to make fun of him lol. It's all because of the trolling Gorilla we call Sorachi XD


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